Friday Evening Update: Abby was not extubated today. It was a horrible day I'd prefer never to relive again. Abby spent the day very restless because her breathing tube wasn't in properly. They planned on extubating so they didn't fix it, then she got really mad from the discomfort and the fact that her feeds were turned off (planning to extubate means turning off feeds) which hindered her progress today. Her CO2 went up because she spent over an hour upset and crying. I'm very upset too, a mommy in tears is never a good thing! Abby and I both cried, only you couldn't hear her, only see her sad eyes and see her struggling and red in the face. It was a busy day in the PICU, we had a terrible nurse, there were many emergencies more critical than Abby and I wanted to throw a big temper tantrum in the middle of the floor to get anyone's attention. In fact, I pretty much did! Very mature of me I know! What is a mother to do when she is trying to advocate for her child and no one will listen. Well, they are listening now, too bad it was after I lived the worst hour of my life. Please pray that tomorrow she gets off the vent, she spent most of the day trying to pull the thing out and I spent most of the day holding her sweet little hands so she couldn't. I'm clinging to the fact that "God's mercy is new every morning... He is faithful" to hear my cries tonight!
Shock, fog, exhaustion, anger, sadness, dependence, acceptance, surrender - the process of a life lived for Christ.
I've run the gamete of emotions the past two months. There has been so much going on, so many unexpected bumps in this road called "my life." I've always asked the Lord to be glorified through my introverted life. I've always wondered how someone who isn't too keen on meeting new people or opening up to strangers could glorify God, so here I am at the very least getting lots of practice. Volunteers and Pastors stop by all the time offering to chat and asking questions about our little Abby. It is hard for me to be warm and welcoming, but I sure am getting lots of practice. Even now as I type a sweet comfort volunteer came by and asked if I needed anything. I'm not sure how this RSV hospitalization will bring God glory, but I'm confident He is answering my lifelong prayer through this trial. God is changing my heart to be more open and vulnerable!
My prayer for today is "Lord, please allow Abby to get off this vent." She is so very close, she is getting more feisty, more agitated which is terrible to see as a mother, but the doctors say that it is actually good, it shows that she is getting ready to breath unassisted. They just went down on her vent, then will do another blood gas at 4, then the doctor will make a decision. They did stop her feeds just in-case she comes off the vent this afternoon, but I'm trying not to get excited since we were here in this same place yesterday. Thanks everyone for praying. Those prayers and sweet notes (and the Starbucks downstairs) are getting me through this day.
I was dialoging with God last night about how hard it is to watch your child suffer, to want to take their pain and put it upon yourself. God brought to my mind how much He loves us, how he could take the pain of sin and consequence upon Himself - His death on the cross, the ultimate love offering to His children. He also brought to mind the sorrow and pain He feels when that gift isn't reciprocated. When the choice to surrender all for Christ isn't taken seriously. My conversation with God encouraged me to be even more diligent about creating an environment in our home that exemplifies a love for Christ. What a gift I can give my children - a love and respect for our Holy God that someday they may adopt as them own!